By Kasa no Miko

Concept by FalconIce

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This fic is dedicated to my 1000^th visitor, Nguyen Ha Tran, who also happens to be an avid Vincent Valentine fan. ^_^

*****

Long dark brown tresses danced across his fingertips as he reached out to fondle that silken mass on her head. With an angelic giggle, she traced the contours of his smooth, milky-white face with her fingertip. As he drowned in those twin pools of hazel, he leaned forward to drop a kiss on those luscious berry lips…

And for the first time in his life, Vincent Valentine tasted mold.

"ACK! Dammit! Can’t a man have a pleasant dream for once?" he mumbled as he roughly brushed a hand across his lips to rid them of any mildewy substances.

With a heated glare at the rotting, velvet cushion of his coffin, he thrust forward a metal claw and lifted the cover. He got out and stretched his weary limbs, eager to get the stiffness out.

Despite accusations of being a vampire, Vincent lifted his face warmly towards the sunlight streaming gently through the windows. He was glad he had moved the coffin upstairs to the piano room. Otherwise, he’d still be traipsing around in the dark, searching for the stairs while blasting those flabbergasted YinYangs. And Vincent was not one to battle so early in the morning.

Vincent bent down to pick up the coffin lid and frowned. Good grief, the thing was infested by termites, and was now nurturing a colony of mushrooms. No way was he going to sleep with that over his head. He’d have to go downstairs and fetch another cover.

He took a step forward and almost tripped as his foot crashed through the wood, creating a conspicuous hole on the floor. Vincent merely sighed; that was the fifth hole for the week.

As he tugged his foot out of the floorboards, he kept wondering when this decrepit mansion would ever come crashing down in all its antiquity and disregard. Today? Tomorrow? Next week? He would bet a million gil it wouldn’t last until next year. Unless it would be repaired, of course.

After grabbing a bottle of milk from the refrigerator and yanking the week’s third door out of its hinges, Vincent sighed and headed towards the stairs to the basement. He almost plunged down to his death as one of the steps broke off. But of course, being an ex-Turk, he had his reflexes, and he resumed the journey into the depths with nothing more than a palpitating heart.

As soon as he reached the bottom, Vincent caught sight of a YinYang unscrewing the only light bulb in the hallway. He took out the monster with two shots just before the hall plunged into darkness. Unfortunately, he heard the sound of shattering glass, which could only mean that the light bulb had dropped to the ground, and that he would have to go into town later and buy another one.

Straining to find his way into the coffin room even with his Jenova-enhanced eyesight, Vincent soon managed to find a decent lid. His "mission" successful, he headed back to the dilapidated staircase, hoping that he wouldn’t encounter one weak step.

He didn’t. He encountered ten.

Thank Odin that Vincent was blessed with graceful flipping abilities. Otherwise, even a man like Sephiroth would’ve died at the mercy of Shinra mansion.

Vincent sighed again. He would HAVE to find someone to fix the place up. He had thought of moving to Costa del Sol, but a house that held all of the surviving documents of Shinra Inc. was a valuable asset in a future megalomaniac’s hands. And Vincent wouldn’t want another Sephiroth.

Unless there was a Lucrecia that went with the package, he smirked to himself.

With the coffin lid in hand, he returned to the piano room, creating a few more floorholes in the process. After setting it on his coffin, he turned back to the old lid, wondering what to do with it. Chop it into wood for the fireplace? Nah, there was too much spare wood lying around the house anyway, so why bother.

An idea sprouted in Vincent’s mind, and he smiled as he picked up the lid and set it in the corner of the room, where it was cool and comfortably humid. Perfect for cultivating mushrooms.

Whirling around, he came face to face with one of those masked poltergeists that swing from a hanging curved blade.

"Urgh, it’s you again…" Vincent grumbled.

The poltergeist let out a mischievous tee hee and attempted to slice him with the blade, but Vincent was too agile for him. The cloaked man grabbed a nearby bucket of water and doused the apparition, which ran squealing out of the room.

"Predictable as always…" Vincent smirked.

The rest of the noon was uneventful as he consumed his lunch and went on with his daily chores, which involved cleaning up a part of the house and repairing some damages.

Later in the afternoon, he was surprised by unsolicited knocking on the door.

"Yo, Vincent Valentine, you there?" a strangely familiar voice called out.

All of a sudden, the front door keeled off its hinges with a loud creak and crashed to the decomposing floor, revealing an utterly bewildered Reno of the Turks.

"You shouldn’t have knocked too hard…" Vincent murmured, rolling his eyes.

The redhead blinked several more times, and then broke into a grin. "Hey there, Valentine, long time no see!" He stepped forward and almost tripped as his foot was caught in a brand new gaping hole. "Man, this is place is SAD!"

"I hope you didn’t come here just to tell me that," Vincent deadpanned as he resumed plastering one of the floor holes. "Because apparently, I already know."

Reno smirked. "Naw, I didn’t come here for that. I just came to-"

"I’m sorry, I’m not yielding the house to Shinra, dilapidated as it may be…"

Reno let out a laugh. "No, it’s that! Besides, who wants this piece of rundown estate anyway? And to hell with all those documents in the library! I hated Hojo and Sephiroth anyway. Actually, I’m here to-"

"No, I’m not giving you some food."

"Vincent! Stop jumping to conclusions! I’m just here to pay you a friendly visit. Just to see how one of my fellow Turks is doing. And since you mentioned food, well, yeah, how about serving me some?"

Vincent looked up from his hammering to glance at Reno and shake his head. "Always the bum. I thought they paid you loads at the Neo-Shinra."

"I spend my salary on alcohol, of course," Reno smirked as he flopped onto one of the sofas, then sneezed as a duststorm attacked his nostrils. "Man, who cleans this place?"

Vincent narrowed his eyes. "I do."

"Well you sure are doing a great job of it," Reno drawled as he stood up and scrutinized the place. "A great job."

"What do you want, Reno?" Vincent demanded, his voice stern.

"Like I said, Vince," Reno replied. "I’m just visiting you."

Vincent raised an inquiring eyebrow. "Why me?"

"Well, cos you’re the only one available," Reno answered. "Rude’s all dot-dot-dotty, Tseng’s dead, Reeve’s a workaholic, Heidegger and Scarlet are NOT on my list, and Elena’s being bitchy. So, that leaves you."

"Why me?" Vincent repeated. "Go bother Cloud or someone."

"I don’t trust that wonky mako machine one bit," Reno said. "And you’re the only other person left who’s had some experience with Shinra. So there! Satisfied?"

"I still don’t accept bums."

"I’m not a bum!" Reno sputtered in indignation. "I’m just financially improvident and interpersonally dependent. And…it’s my day off."

Vincent shook his head. "Bum," he smirked.

Reno frowned. "Wow, I drop by to say hi after walking all the way from Neo-Midgar…and all I get is an insult?! So much for congeniality…"

Vincent raised his eyebrow. "You did not walk…"

"Yes, I did."

"Did not."

"Did to."

"Did not."

"Did to."

"Did not."

"How can you say that I did not?"

"Because," Vincent replied matter-of-factly. "I heard a chopper land several minutes before you knocked on the door."

Reno was taken aback by Vincent’s perceptiveness. "Well, you can’t be sure it was mine."

"It was. It had a distinct whine to it, which could only be a Shinra helicopter’s."

Reno was impressed all the more. True, Shinra helicopters had a strange noise when it’s flying, perhaps due to the mako it uses for fuel. But how did Vincent know that when mako helicopters were developed shortly after he was isolated in the mansion?

"I read books, Reno," Vincent answered, as if reading the young Turk’s mind. "When you’re as bored as I am, you would resort to reading the books in the library. So now that I’ve proven that you didn’t walk, would you kindly leave the mansion and return to Neo-Midgar on the aforementioned helicopter?"

Reno blinked, then let out a laugh. "Aw, Vincent! Stop kidding me!"

"I’m not," came the deadpan voice.

Reno shrugged. "Well, since you’re going to have your lunch, might as well join you."

"I already ate."

"Um…I’m sure you need some help with the repairs, since this house is quite rickety and decrepit…And I’ve had some Turks training."

This time, Vincent offered no protest. After all, another pair of hands didn’t hurt.

The work was a breeze with Reno assisting him. Vincent realized that the "Turks training" Reno referred to apparently including carpentry skills, because by six o’ clock in the afternoon, most of the floor actually looked decent and sturdy. They even returned the front door to its hinges.

Reno stretched his lanky frame as he stood up from mending a hole on the floor. He yawned and glanced at his watch. "Oh my, look at the time. I guess it’s too dark for me to head back to Neo-Midgar. Might as well spend the night here."

"Who said you could?"

Reno gave Vincent a soulful look. "Aw, Vincent! Don’t tell me you’re going to cast me out onto the streets and leave me for the monsters!"

Vincent smiled wryly. "Why not?"

Reno pouted. "Don’t be mean, Vincent. I know that under that heartless façade, you’re a nice guy underneath. Please let me stay here for the night!" He knelt in front of Vincent.

The older man sighed. "Reno, they have an Inn in Nibelheim. Why would you want to spend the night here?"

"Because in the Inn, the screen turns dark and the next thing you know, you’re standing beside the bed. That’s not my idea of sleeping." After a pause, Reno added, "Besides, I’m broke."

Vincent rolled his crimson eyes. "Go fight some monsters. You’re welcome down at the basement."

"Aw, come on, Vincent!" Reno clutched at his cape.

"Please let go of my cloak. It’s the only one I have…"

Reno blinked in surprise. "You’ve been wearing this for thirty years and you’ve never washed it?! God, you must stink!"

Vincent rolled his eyes again. "Reno, I am perfectly capable of taking a bath and doing laundry, and I don’t need you to teach me how. And besides, why are you still here?"

"Vincent, please!" Reno was practically begging. "Just this once?"

Vincent pondered for a while, then said, "Fine. But by tomorrow morning, I want you out of the house. Understand?"

Reno nodded vigorously.

"Now, let go of me. I’m going to fix dinner."

Reno meandered around the house while Vincent toiled in the kitchen. A half hour later, Vincent announced dinner, whereupon Reno rushed towards the dingy dining room.

"Finally! My first meal of the day," Reno declared as he headed for one of the chairs.

Vincent eyed him warily as Reno pulled back the chair nearest to his. "Be careful when you sit down," he murmured.

"No problem! I’m light as a fea-THER!" *CRASH THUD*

Vincent shook his head and smirked at the Turk who was sprawled over the debris that once belonged to a chair. "I told you."

"God, is this dump forsaken or what?!" Reno interjected as he stood up and brushed his pants. He strode over to another chair and, after testing its sturdiness, promptly plopped down. "YAAHH!!!" *CRASH THUD* "What the hell?!"

"Only the chair I’m sitting on is sturdy enough to support a man’s weight," Vincent chuckled.

Reno glared at him, then hopped onto the table. "Then fine, I’m sitting here then," he announced.

"I’m not going to let you eat unless you get off the table," Vincent threatened, putting a claw protectively over his homemade dishes. "Besides, it’s rude."

"Fine!" Reno immediately leaped off the table. "Then, I’ll sit…here!" And with a plop, he bounced into Vincent’s wide lap.

Vincent’s eyebrow twitched uncomfortably. "Reno, please get off. I can’t eat with you on my lap," he requested patiently.

But Reno didn’t hear any of it. "Thish shtuff ish GOOD!" he declared between mouthfuls. "You’re a good cook, Vinsh!"

"Yes, it’s just coincidental that you happened to drop by right after I learned how to cook," Vincent remarked, rolling his eyes.

"And this cream of mushroom soup!" *SLURP SLURP* "I didn’t know edible mushrooms grew in these parts." *SLURP SLURP* "They must have been expensive!"

Vincent smiled slightly. "Well, I grew them myself. The walls in my bedroom are literally mushroom fields…" He was given the satisfaction of hearing Reno choke. "Is something wrong, Reno?"

"ICK! They grew here?!" Reno asked in bewilderment. "And you actually eat this stuff?! ACK!" He immediately ignored the soup in favor of the mashed potatoes. "Don’t tell me…these potatoes grew here too."

"Yes."

"Vincent!"

"You know, Reno. I just remembered…this chair is sturdy enough to hold one person, not two."

"Well, it’s still holding us u-UUPP!!!" *CRASH THUD*

Vincent shook his head sadly. "Now look what you did. I would have to eat on the floor from now on…So, now that you’ve ruined the chair, would you please…get…off…me." He rolled Reno off his lap and stood up. "Come on, I’ll show you to your room."

Reno got up from the floor and stared at him. "But the food-"

"If you don’t want to eat them, you can leave it for the monsters. Now, come on." Vincent grabbed Reno by the arm.

"Okay, okay…but why the rush?"

"I’m going to take a bath," Vincent replied matter-of-factly as he dragged the youth up the stairs towards the second floor.

"So? Don’t tell me you actually want me to BATHE you?!"

Vincent rolled his eyes at this. "No, because I want you to stay in your room at all times while I’m at it."

"Why?"

Vincent paused before replying. "Because after I take a bath, I’m going to wash my clothes and leave them to dry, which means that-"

"You’ll be walking around the house NAKED?!" Reno finished, putting a hand to his mouth. "No wonder you didn’t want anyone else to live with you…"

"How smart you are, Reno," Vincent drawled as he opened the door towards the safe room. "There’s a mattress there. Make yourself comfortable." With that, he started to stride towards the opposite wing, where the only bathroom was.

"Wait," Reno stopped him. "Um…can I see you naked?"

Vincent halted dead in his tracks, then slowly turned around. "Did you just express your inclination towards homosexuality to me?"

"NO! That’s not what I meant!" Reno amended, looking flustered. "It’s just that…I brought some food coloring and paper with me."

"Food coloring…and paper???"

"Yeah," Reno answered. "You see, I’m an artist, and I’m still learning how to paint nude. So…could you be my model?" He looked up at Vincent with hopeful eyes.

"Let me get this straight. You…want to paint me…in the nude…with food coloring…"

"Food coloring is my favorite medium," Reno informed him.

"Because it has the word ‘food’ in it?" Vincent mocked.

"Very funny. Now if you would kindly take off your clothes and pose here…it would be just perfect."

Vincent raised both of his palms in front of him. "Whoa, wait a minute. You’re being too optimistic. I didn’t say yes, and I don’t think I ever will. Did you take me for someone who would admit bums into his house, give them food and shelter, and let them paint him in the nude?"

"Yeah."

"Go back to your room, Reno," Vincent said sternly as he turned towards the bathroom. "Be grateful I didn’t kill you yet."

Reno crossed his arms and slammed the door behind him, causing several wooden chinks to fall from the ceiling.

With a relieved sigh, Vincent began to slip off his clothes, laying them in a basin of water and detergent on the sink. He leaned forward to turn on the shower faucet, and then slid into the tub. Lying down, his head resting on the edge of the tub, Vincent began to contemplate on his sinful life while the water level slowly rose.

For several months after Lucrecia’s death, Vincent had sought for a way to avenge her. Killing Hojo simply did not give him the satisfaction he yearned, and until now, he wondered why. Even saving the world from the clutches of the evil megalomaniac named Sephiroth did not amend his situation. Instead, it added more weight to the burden that he carried on his tortured soul.

Perhaps it was Sephiroth, Vincent pondered, his eyes cast towards the ceiling. Maybe we shouldn’t have killed him. I should have redeemed him from his sinful exploits. I should have released him from Jenova’s suffocating clutches. I should have let him reconcile and return to being the man he was before. The real Sephiroth.

A deafening creak snapped Vincent out of his thoughts. It was a strangely familiar creak, like the sound of rotting wood about to break.

And as Vincent continued to stare up at the ceiling, he wondered why everything suddenly zoomed out, and he found himself gazing from the bottom of a large, long well.

All these he wondered the split second before he banged the back of his head on the tub and slipped into unconsciousness.

For several seconds, Reno wondered what that thunderous crash was. It sounded as if it came from the east wing, where Vincent was…Could it be…?

Reno paced around the room for a while, pondering on whether or not he would check up on Vincent. As he recalled, the older man had clearly stated, no, commanded that the Turk should stay in his room. He could still remember the murderous glare that Vincent threw him.

On the other hand, since when did Reno follow rules? Other than his Turk missions, Reno was practically a rebel without a cause, defying every known law that existed, except for the ones in science. Hell, they should put him in Shinra Book of World Records or something. So, why was he hesitating now? For all he knew, Vincent might be in trouble this very moment.

Or…he could be walking around naked.

Carelessly shrugging his shoulders, Reno strode out of his room and crossed the threshold towards the east wing. What he found there wasn’t what he had expected.

In the guestroom was a huge gaping hole where the tub once stood.

Peering cautiously over the edge, Reno struggled to make out the bottom of what seemed to be a well-like structure. Only bigger.

"HELLOOOOO!!!" Reno called out. "VINCENT! ARE YOU THEEERE???"

Silence.

Reno reached to one single conclusion: The floor underneath the tub had given way, and right now, Vincent was lying down there, with his neck broken…dead.

Or not.

Reno instantly rushed to the next room, where he recalled a secret door into the basement. Sliding open the stone "chimney", he dashed down the wooden planks that served as stairs, only to find out that half of them were missing.

He stopped in front of a five-plank gap, wondering whether he could make it or not. Being a Turk, he figured he might, but the problem lay in climbing out. He’d have to think of something.

Unfortunately, all that weight on a single, rotting plank caused it to give out, and Reno soon found himself in the air…falling.

"AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!" he cried as his hands reached out to grab anything, anything at all.

He caught a few planks, slowing down his descent somewhat, but a split second later, it would give way, and he would fall again. In the last few meters, however, he grasped a sturdy one, and he clutched on for dear life, praying that it would remain on its perch for some time.

After a few uneventful seconds, Reno let out the breath he was holding. Good. He was still alive. And wet, he noticed vaguely. He looked up and saw that the shower above him was still running. Vincent must have left it open before he fell.

As soon as Vincent’s name crossed his mind, he glanced down, hoping to catch a glimpse of the possibly dead ex-Turk.

The sight of an unclothed man in a tub right below him was too much for Reno, and he lurched, causing the plank he was gripping to crack…and then break off.

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

"OOOF!"

Vincent felt his head spin as the breath was knocked out of him again, but fortunately, he didn’t faint. Instead, he felt as if his body had turned to mush.

His eyes slowly focusing, he realized that someone was weighing him down, almost drowning him. In fact, the water level tickled his nostrils.

Summoning his strength, he shoved the body away from him, and realized in horror that he was naked. His memory suddenly caught up with him, and he glanced up, the ceiling a great distance away from where he was.

"Urgh, $#!^! That #@%$^ hurt a lot," the figure in front of him cursed.

Vincent focused back on the person with him in the tub. "Reno?!"

Reno gazed at him. "Vincent?! You’re still alive?! Man, I thought you died!" He attempted to glomp the older man, but Vincent held him off and drew his own legs towards him.

"No contact, please," Vincent said, clutching his knees. "This is humiliating…More nightmares shall come to me."

"Now don’t say this is all my fault," Reno told him as the Turk climbed out. "I wasn’t there."

Vincent looked up wistfully. "At least there’s still light," he remarked. "We don’t have to wander around in the dark."

A low growl alerted both men. "What was that?" Reno demanded, whipping out his trusty electromag rod.

"Sounds like a YinYang to me," Vincent answered, recognizing the all too familiar sound.

Sure enough, a zombie-like monster with two heads stepped into the light. It grinned leeringly at them, then sauntered towards Vincent.

"Get away, you $#@^&* abomination!" Reno leaped forward and thrust the rod at the creature, pressing the electrocute button.

A thin crackle of electricity emanated from the tip, then died.

"What the hell?!" Reno exclaimed. "I thought I charged it!"

"It must have short-circuited when you landed on the tub," Vincent said, slinking towards the far side of the tub and keeping his gaze at the approaching YinYang.

"Then I’ll just whack it to death," Reno declared, proceeding to do so.

The YinYang was unfazed by Reno’s offensive attempts, and instead scuttled towards Vincent. The man watched in astonishment and disgust as the monster glomped his arm and began rubbing its two faces on it. Even Reno stopped to look.

"Uh…I think it likes you, man," Reno stated.

"In contrast to the poltergeist upstairs," Vincent said, struggling to hold in his bile. "This monster likes water…"

The YinYang climbed into the tub with Vincent.

"Ugh…Vincent, I think you should get out of the tub," Reno advised.

"Lend me your blazer, then," Vincent ordered.

Reno shrugged off his blazer and tossed it to Vincent, who promptly wrapped it around his waist ala g-string while the monster was preoccupied with splashing its mutated hands about in the water.

Vincent jumped out of the tub and stood beside Reno in a battle stance.

However, the YinYang didn’t feel like fighting, and instead, climbed out of the tub and ran off into the darkness.

"Good," Vincent breathed in relief. "Battling naked is just not my style."

Reno walked towards the basement opening and studied his surroundings. "Based on my judgment, I don’t think we can reach the nearest plank even if we stood on top of each other. The only way to get out of here is to either scale the walls or fly. The former is impossible however, as the walls are slick with water and too smooth."

"I could morph into Chaos and get us out of here…"

Reno looked at him skeptically. "Why do I sense a ‘but’?"

Vincent shook his head. "But my limit gauge is too low. And besides, I might kill you in my berserk form. Chaos still remembers you as one of the enemies."

"Too bad," Reno sighed. "I was just about to suggest that I beat you senseless until you reach your limit break." He grinned wryly.

"Funny, Reno," Vincent deadpanned. "Anyway, let’s-" He stopped in mid-sentence when he saw the previous YinYang fiddling with the basement light socket. "Oh $#!^…Reno, stop it!" he yelled.

Before Reno could even take a step forward, the YinYang plugged its damp finger into the socket, instantly convulsing as electricity crackled through its entire body.

Vincent promptly picked up a large rock and hurtled it in the direction of the YinYang, which immediately keeled over from the impact and released its finger. At that moment, the whole house was plunged into darkness.

"Damn, it short-circuited the power system," Vincent muttered in the obscurity. "I was trying to avoid that."

"Don’t worry about me," Reno piped up, feeling his way towards where he last saw Vincent standing. "I’m not scared of the dark."

"Yes, but we won’t be able to see any more monsters which might attack us," Vincent said. "And that leaves us at a disadvantage. We’re as good as blind warriors. It would be best if we hide in the coffin room. Come." With that, he grabbed Reno’s wrist and led the younger man down the path.

A few moments later, Reno heard the sound of an opening door, and he was jerked sharply to the left. Whoa, Vincent must have memorized this house from top to bottom.

Strangely enough, the room was glowing in an unearthly bluish light. "Uh…Vincent? What’s with the-?"

"Glowworms," Vincent put in as he closed the door behind him. "We’re quite fortunate."

Vincent released his grip on Reno and surged into the room, checking the place for any monsters. Finding none, he turned back to Reno, he said, "Well, pick a coffin."

Reno blinked at him. "Did I hear you right? Did you just say, ‘Pick a coffin’?"

Vincent strode towards one of the coffins and lay down, setting his palms underneath his head. "We can’t do anything right now. Might as well sleep through it. In the morning, when there’s light, we’ll think of a way to get out of here."

Reno saw the wisdom in his words and shrugged, walking towards another empty coffin. Boy, the place stank so much of must that he knew he couldn’t sleep through it so easily.

His predictions were wrong, however, as he turned on his side a few minutes later and allowed sleep to overcome him…

"Reno, darling!!! Are you in here?"

Reno forced his eyes open at the strangely familiar voice calling him. Sunlight was streaming through some of the cracked and holey floorboards on the upper floor, illuminating the room.

Abruptly, memories of last night’s adventure flooded through his head and sat up on the coffin with a start. Nearby, Vincent was squatting behind a coffin, tense and alert.

"Reeeeennnnooooo!!!"

"Who’s that?" Vincent inquired, glancing at Reno.

Reno turned to him, then cocked his head at Vincent’s position. "What are you doing?"

"I’m sifting through this junk, looking for something to collect water with. What does it look like to you?" Vincent responded in indignation. "Now, answer my question."

"Reno! Answer me!!!"

The feminine lilt was too proverbial, and Reno replied, "Elena’s here."

"Damn you, Reno! If you’re not gonna answer me, I’m leaving!"

Reno jumped up and yelled at the top of his voice. "I’M HERE, ELENA!!!"

"Where?" a female voice demanded.

"Down here in the basement!" Reno shouted just as he burst out of the coffin room and into the basement opening.

Water was still streaming down from the shower, and Reno stepped back, not wanting to get his clothes wet and have mold growing on them.

"Goodness! Who put this hole here?!"

"Down here, Elena!" Reno called out.

A head with sporty blonde hair peered over the edge. "Reno?" she asked in bewilderment. "What are you doing down there?"

"We fell through that hole, and now we’re stuck."

"We?"

At that moment, Vincent appeared beside Reno.

Elena eep-ed at the sight of the scantily clad former AVALANCHE member. "Reno, w-what were you doing?!"

"Young lady," Vincent addressed her. "I was taking a bath when the floor gave way. Your comrade here tried to rescue me, but he fell in too."

Elena smirked. "Sounds like Reno when it comes to rescuing people."

"Oh, shut up, Elena, and get us out of here."

"What do you think I am, Supergirl?! Hold on, I’ll call Rude for backup."

Elena stood up and whipped out her PHS phone. Just as she punched in Rude’s number, the floor beneath her collapsed and she found herself hurtling down the opening, screaming.

Anticipating the occurrence, Vincent leaped forward and caught her in his arms, both falling with an awkward thud to the floor. Reno ran up to them and helped them both to their feet.

"Oh, thank you, Mr. Valentine…" Elena breathed with relief, still gasping for breath.

"Please…call me Vincent."

Elena glanced down at his body and blushed. When someone appears half-naked in front of you, you’re automatically on first-name basis.

"Elena, are you alright?" Reno inquired with concern.

"Damn you, Reno!" she screeched, slapping him on the cheek. "Why were you here at the Shinra mansion anyway?!"

Reno, though unfazed by the impact, cringed at her tone of voice. "Sorry, Elena. But I wanted to talk to Vincent about the security of the Shinra library," he fibbed. Then he frowned at her. "And besides, why are you here?! Weren’t you supposed to be at Wutai getting us a mission?"

"Yeah, but our client wants to see you personally," Elena replied scornfully. "He said he can’t trust a woman with the job he’s giving us. So I followed your tracking device here."

"Where’s your PHS phone?" Vincent interrupted their heated conversation.

Elena glanced at the phone that she fortunately still held in her hands. "I’ll have Rude rescue us in an instant," she declared as she dialed his number. After a few moments, she threw the phone to the ground. "$#!^!"

"Let me guess," Reno piped up. "No signal."

Elena simply was too furious to answer.

Vincent pondered this for a moment. "You don’t happen to have any rope with you, or even some food?"

Elena shook her head sadly.

Reno placed his palms at the back of his head and ambled back towards the coffin room. "Well…now there’s three of us," he snickered.

By nine o’clock in the morning, according to Reno’s wristwatch, Vincent was starving. They’d have to search for food soon, otherwise they’d have to start eating the books in the library. Yet, Vincent chuckled to himself, How ironic. Here I am, trapped in the bowels of my own house. Is there any worse fate than that?

"How about if we start yelling at the top of our lungs?" Reno suggested.

"The only thing we’ll accomplish with that would be acquiring a sore throat," Vincent contradicted. "The people of Nibelheim still think this place is haunted, and with all the echoes, we’d sound more like ghosts than humans."

"This sucks," Elena declared as she entered the room, arriving from her reconnaissance trip in the library. "Nothing there but books and laboratory equipment. Nothing that could help us get out."

"Hey, how about if we stack up all those books and use it to climb up?" Reno said hopefully.

"Do you even think that could hold our weight?" Vincent told him, remaining calm and rational as always.

Vincent could feel Reno’s hopes dash. "No, I don’t think so," the Turk said quietly.

Vincent turned to Elena. "May I borrow your blazer?"

Elena raised an eyebrow and glanced down at Vincent’s scant clothing. "Sure," she said, tossing him her sports jacket.

Vincent tied it around his waist, then realized that he need more cover at the back. He shifted the whole thing around so that Elena’s smaller blazer was in front and Reno’s was at the back.

Elena’s eyes widened as she watched him. "I don’t think I’ll be wearing that again," she mumbled with a blush.

Reno was observing Vincent too. "Hey, now you look like a pale Indian," he chuckled. "I’ve got some food coloring here. Care for some war paint?"

Vincent glared at him. "No, thank you. It’s about as bad as your nude painting idea."

Reno brightened up. "Now that you’ve reminded me…how about perching on that coffin and posing for me?"

"Remind me again why I consented to do this?"

Reno grinned as he placed his fingers in front of him, "framing" Vincent. "Well, you said you were bored, and you also wanted me to stop bothering you about it."

Vincent shook his head as he lay on his side and placed his head on a propped elbow in what Reno called a "sexy" position. "No, there was another reason."

"So you’d have an excuse to kill him afterwards," Elena piped up, her back turned to them. For the past half hour, Elena had been blushing furiously and trying not to imagine what was going on behind her.

"You’re not actually going to kill me," Reno said as he resumed painting. "Are you, Vince? Besides, who’s gonna hang this masterpiece at the refrigerator of the Turks’ headquarters?"

Vincent didn’t say anything. He merely seethed in anger.

"Oi! Vincent! You here???"

Vincent jumped up at the voice; Reno dropped his paintbrush; and Elena whirled around, forgetting that the older man was still unclothed. All three were excited at the prospect of being rescued.

"Who’s there?!" Vincent boomed out.

"It’s me…Cloud."

Reno made gagging noises while Elena eep-ed at both the identity of the visitor and the sight of Vincent. But Vincent ignored them and immediately dashed out of the coffin room, grabbing his makeshift clothes at the same time.

"I’m down here in the basement, Cloud!"

A spiky blonde head peered out of the edge. "Is that you, Vincent? I have something really important to tell you."

To their utter horror, Cloud deliberately jumped off the edge of the hole with an enthusiastic "WHEE!!!", performing a mid-air triple twist somersault, double-flip, three-sixty, and then landing sure-footedly on two steel-toed boots, which would probably weigh fifty kilograms at the speed of his dive.

Vincent stood there gaping for a moment, while Reno and Elena ran out of the room at the cacophony. "Uh…Cloud?"

"Ta-DAAAA!!!" Cloud sang out a fanfare. "Whaddaya think? I’m wearing a master speed plus right now. Isn’t that great?"

Still staring at his friend, Vincent managed to choke out, "What are you doing here, Strife?"

Cloud brushed himself off, then grinned at Vincent. "Oh, Vincent, I was in town today, and I heard some screaming this morning, and when I went in, the front door keeled over, and you left your shower running too…and I guess I just wanted to tell you that."

Behind him, Vincent heard the simultaneous slapping of foreheads.

"Hey, the Turks are here," Cloud said, peering over behind Vincent. "What are you doing here? Are you here to have lunch with Vincent too? ‘Cos I’m glad you’re joining us."

Reno’s eyebrow twitched. "Um…did you bring food?"

Cloud cocked his head in confusion. "Why? This is Vincent’s house. He’ll have to provide the food."

Everyone seemed hopeless for a while, until Elena spoke up. "Guys, I have an idea. Cloud, you do have super strength, right? Suppose you propel one of us to the top?"

Reno snapped his fingers in agreement. "Yeah, and then the person could go and look for help."

Cloud thought for a while. "You’re right. Maybe I can do it."

Vincent, however, didn’t seem so optimistic. "…How about doing a practice throw, Cloud?" he said, gesturing to the carcass of yesterday’s YinYang.

"Whatever you say, Vince." Cloud lifted the monster effortlessly and walked to the opening. With a mighty heave, he hurtled the body up the hole.

*SPLAT*

Elena grimaced at the sight of the splattered monster body high up on the wall, its guts and blood beginning to wash away due to the shower water.

"Oops," Cloud said in a small voice. "I guess I have bad aim."

"Why are we here again?"

Reno rolled his eyes for the eleventh time since Cloud arrived. "Because we’re stuck, and I can’t believe you’re such a dolt underneath that mercenary body."

Cloud seemed unfazed by Reno’s comment. "Hey, Vincent, when are we going to have lunch?"

Vincent said nothing. He was too busy brooding by himself.

Elena stopped pounding her head on the wall and looked up. "Damn, I’m hungry."

"Tell me about it," Reno put in. "I haven’t eaten since last night. And it wasn’t much either."

"I ate breakfast this morning," Cloud added with a smile.

"Yo Vincent! Where the $#@$^* hell are you?!"

Everyone glanced up from what they were doing and brightened up at the new voice.

"I can easily tell whose mouth that belongs to," Cloud declared.

"CID!!!" Vincent yelled as they all trooped out of the coffin room.

"Huh? Vincent? Come on, we’re gonna be #@^&$% late for the Fort Condor Air Show."

Cloud began waving his arms. "We’re down here!"

Reno rolled his eyes. "Duh, like waving your arms is going to help," he muttered under his breath.

A blonde head with a pair of goggles popped out from one of the sides. "What the $#@^?! What the hell are all you nincompoops doing down there?!"

"Uh…we’re stuck," Cloud answered.

"With the $#!@%& Turks?!"

"So?" Reno retorted. "What’s it to you?!"

"Reno…" Elena admonished, elbowing her colleague.

"Hey, Cid! Can you fly the Highwind down here and pick us up?" Cloud asked, earning him a jab from Elena.

"Don’t think so, kiddo. Hold on while I get some $#@^ rope."

All four of them waited patiently for several minutes. Then, half an hour.

"Cid? Are you alright?" Vincent voiced out, wondering where the foul-mouthed pilot went.

"I can’t find some $#@@^ rope!" a muffled voice replied from one of the upper floors. "Where the @!@&* do you keep those things, Valentine?! Wait a minute! Eureka! Here it IIIISSSSSS!!!" *CRASH THUD*

Everyone rushed to the coffin room, where the commotion seemed to come from.

There, in the middle of the room amongst the coffins, lay a dazed Cid Highwind, the center of the ceiling a pile of rubble underneath him.

"Where’s the rope?" Elena inquired.

Cid pointedly glanced up, and stared at the foot of rope that peeked out of the edge like an unattainable goal.

Reno shrugged. "Welcome to the party, Highwind!"

At the newly established Neo-Shinra Electric Power Company, a certain strawberry-blonde was poring over the corporation’s daily load of mail, either frowning or smiling over whatever he read.

Though he knew that Neo-Shinra was much better and less corrupt than the initial Shinra Company, he observed that the mail they received certainly was no different from before. There were people who criticized the company, or praised them for it, or requested business appointments, or suggested profitable investments. Some even sent fan mail! But the kind of mail that he absolutely loathed were BILLS!

And as he scanned one of those aforementioned despised correspondences, his eyes slowly widened, and his hands started to clench into fists, crumpling part of the paper into nonexistence.

"FIVE MILLION GIL???!!! JUST FOR THE WATER BILL???!!!" he exploded, banging his fists on his desk so hard that the desk practically fractured. "WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS???!!!"

The cavernous hallways carried his thunderous voice down several floors, where the employees stopped whatever they were doing and cowered, some even pissing in their pants.

"WHO?! SOMEBODY MUST BE BLAMED!!!"

He glanced back down at the sorry piece of paper in his hand, and his eyes widened even more at the location written there.

"NIBELHEIM MANSION???!!! WHO THE HELL HAS BEEN USING THAT PLACE???!!! THEY’RE GONNA BE SORRY!!!"

Everyone cringed at the deafening slamming of doors, then carried on with their work, knowing that none of them was involved in the whole predicament.

"Okay…let’s try this. If we succeed, you can kiss goodbye to this #@#^*% basement."

At Cid’s orders, everyone was piling up onto a human tower in the coffin room, intent on at least sending one person to the top floor. Thanks to Cid, there was a considerably large hole in the ceiling, and it seemed that salvation wasn’t far away.

Vincent had insisted on being at the bottom, since his makeshift thong rendered him indecent if he stood on another person. And right now, he was helping Cid up his shoulders and bracing himself against the wall for support.

"Hey, coppertop!" Cid called out to Reno, gesturing to his own shoulders. "You think you can get your skinny ass up here?!"

"Yeah, yeah," Reno drawled as he mounted Vincent. "Hold your chocobos, I’ll be up."

Then, it was Elena’s turn. With a ballerina’s grace and a circus performer’s agility, she scaled towards the top, then reached an outstretched arm to the top. "It’s still too far…" she groaned. "We need one more person. Cloud! Get up here!"

"Me?" Cloud asked.

"Yeah!" Reno agreed. "When you climb to the second floor, try to pull us all up, okay?"

"Sure!" With that, Cloud began to make his way on Vincent.

"Oh shhhhhhhhhh…!" Vincent hissed as Cloud clung onto his back. "Cloud…you’re damn heavy…"

"I am?" Cloud asked in disbelief. "Then maybe I should put my sword down…"

Everyone else fought against the urge to slap their foreheads while Cloud tossed the incriminating weapon aside.

"You’re…still…too…heavy…" Vincent moaned, his knees beginning to buckle.

"Huh? Okay, I’ll take off my bangles and my armor and my accessories…"

"Damn, that kid’s got too much $^*#$% stuff," Cid grumbled.

As Cloud attempted to scale Vincent’s length, the older man sensed his strength and endurance waning, and he surrendered with a frustrated growl and collapsed to the floor, sending everyone else tumbling onto each other.

"$#!^!" Elena cursed, along with Reno and Cid.

Vincent, however, said nothing, but glared heatedly at Cloud. "It’s the boots," he murmured after a few moments. "You’ve got to take off the boots, Cloud."

Cloud’s eyes registered a look of fear. "No…No, I won’t."

"Cloud, just take the $#@@^& boots off and get us the hell out of here!" Cid raved.

"No!" Cloud protested, backing towards a wall. "No! No! No!"

"Please, Cloud," Elena pleaded. "For us."

"No! No! No!"

Cid and Reno advanced towards the blonde, intending to physically force the boots off Cloud. However, the next thing they knew, they found themselves hurtled towards the wall, the stone slightly crumbling at the impact.

"NO! NO! NO!"

"Then have it your way!" Reno spat, brushing his clothes free of dirt. "We’ll just get out of here without your help."

An hour later, everyone else was spent and exhausted, suffering from muscle cramps and broken backs. Elena, who suffered the brunt of it all from having to leap from the top of the pillar and grab the edge of the hole, was quite sore from landing after whatever she managed to hold on to gave way.

Cloud sat there, observing their progress. "Look on the bright side," he said, gazing at the hole. "At least there’s a lot more light down here now."

Vincent struggled to hold back anyone who desired to beat up the spiky blonde.

I’m going to personally execute whoever is responsible for this, he seethed as he hopped off the helicopter in Nibelheim.

A glinting hulk of metal caught his eye, and he turned and saw another Shinra helicopter parked in the field.

He stomped towards his sole destination, ignoring the villagers who stared at him strangely. He was intently focused on the Shinra mansion now, not letting anything else distract him from his goal.

As he stormed into the house, he halted in his tracks when he heard a low hissing sound coming from the second floor. It sounded just like…

He stampeded right towards the bathroom, his vision narrowed to the incriminating showerhead that was merrily spraying water as if there was no tomorrow.

So rapt was he in switching the shower off that he didn’t notice that there was no more solid floor beneath his feet…

"Cloud, please stop chewing on my shirt."

"Sorry, Reno. But I’m hungry…"

"There sure are a lot of vampire bats down here. Please make them go away, Vincent."

"…"

"I want some #$^&*% tea!!!"

There were all assembled just below the basement opening, as the coffin room was too littered with debris and rubble for them to be any comfortable. Cloud was sitting beside Reno, who seemed to be dying of boredom and hunger; Elena was clinging to Vincent, who was brooding quietly; and Cid was ranting, raving, stamping and cursing a few meters away.

Vincent strained to peek at Reno’s wristwatch. 3:45. Nearly nineteen hours since he and Reno first fell through. Nineteen hours since he last drank some milk. The withdrawal was slowly getting to him.

And to Cid. Vincent cast a sidelong glance at the crusty pilot, who was currently bashing the wall with his spear, swearing in every known language and cursing every known god for letting his cigarettes and matches get wet.

"Cid, are you alright?" Vincent asked in a concerned tone, approaching his fuming companion.

Cid didn’t seem to hear him, so Vincent tapped his shoulder.

"ARRRRRRRGGHHHHHH!!!" Cid exploded with rage. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU #@%&^&% WANT?!" The delirious pilot grabbed Vincent’s shoulders and started shaking the astonished man furiously.

His senses rattled right out of him, Vincent clung to Cid’s collar unconsciously, and in some distant part of his mind, he noticed a dark form falling from up above.

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!" *CRASH THUD OOF GROAN*

Cloud waved a hand over his face and coughed, waiting for the dust to settle.

Reno, who was more alert, jumped up and grabbed the newly arrived body, turning it over. "Oh, $#!^! It’s Rufus!"

Cloud snapped to attention. "Rufus?! I thought he was dead."

"Never mind," Reno muttered. "Help me get them off each other. I think they’re all unconscious."

Meanwhile, Elena was putting a hand to her mouth, her eyes wide as saucers as she gazed at Vincent’s nude form, since his makeshift blazer g-string had slipped off from the violent shaking and the impact. "I think I’m getting used to seeing this," she murmured.

Cloud was chuckling at Vincent and Cid’s position. "Ha ha, this reminds me of the time my mother gave me sex education when I was fifteen."

Reno gazed at him in surprise. "You mean she showed you how it was actually done???"

"No, just pictures. But it really looks like Cid and Vincent are doing it, considering how nekkie Vincent is…"

"Oh, shut up, you two!" Elena scolded as she kicked Cid’s inert form to the side, disentangling him from Vincent. "Can we not talk about that here?"

A low moan escaped from one of the bodies, and they turned to see Rufus sitting up from the floor.

"Ugh…" He turned and blinked at them. "I think I’ve died and gone to hell, because if I’m not mistaken, that’s Reno, Elena and that wimp Clod."

"Wimp?" Cloud asked. "Clod? But my name’s Cloud."

"Yeah, whatever," Rufus muttered as he stood up. He scratched his head, dusted his suit and glanced at the other two unconscious forms. "Well, lookie here, there’s the brainless, sewage-mouthed pilot and the gothic vampire. Didn’t know he was a streaker, though…"

"Stop insulting them," Cloud leapt up to his friends’ defense. "You know, if it weren’t for them, you’d have broken your neck when you fell."

"Reno…how about their necks?" Elena asked quietly, dreading the worst.

Reno checked for pulses. "Naw, they’re still alive. Just knocked out."

"Two birds with one stone," Rufus sneered. "So…are we gonna get rid of this one, too?" He gestured to Cloud.

"What the-?"

"But as I recalled," Rufus went on. "We’re not mortal foes anymore. In fact, AVALANCHE has actually helped Shinra Electric Power Company set its foot back on the Planet. Except now…it has a stupid ‘neo’ in the beginning and a naïve workaholic in the President’s chair. So…I guess I’ll let you live."

Reno and Elena sighed with relief.

"Something’s bothering me right now…" Rufus mused aloud. "Ah, yes…" He stretched a palm out, letting the shower water pelt it. "It would be most convenient if you told me who left the shower running…"

Reno automatically glanced at Vincent, though not intending to blame him.

Rufus caught his gaze and strode over to where Vincent’s facedown form was.

At that moment, Vincent twitched back into consciousness, and he let out a low moan. Suddenly, he found himself yanked up by the hair, and he snarled in indignation and pain.

"Mr. Valentine…" a silky masculine voice slashed through his murky thoughts. "You must be the current tenant of Nibelheim Mansion…am I right?"

Vincent, recognizing the strawberry-blonde strands, didn’t retaliate, but didn’t answer either.

"Did you know…that you’re making me pay five million gil…’COS YOU LEFT THE DAMN $#@*(^ SHOWER RUNNING!!! FOR HOW LONG???!!!"

"Twenty hours…" Vincent mumbled.

"F$@% YOU!!!" With that, Rufus thrust the older man’s head back to the ground with fury and repugnance. "And get some decent clothes on…" he added, his tone suddenly composed and refined. "You disgust me."

Elena’s eyes glittered with admiration as she marveled at how swiftly Rufus Shinra could burst out in anger and act like a gentleman a few seconds later. Talk about mood swings.

Rufus turned his back on them and studied the basement opening. "It seems to me that the beams supporting the floor right above us have decayed with age and yielded to the weight of a filled bathtub. The planks that once composed the staircase have all broken off except for a few. Which leaves us all pitifully stranded here in this musty basement with no means of escape whatsoever." He turned back to the others. "Is this f%$@# up or what? And to think it’s all your fault." He glared at Vincent.

"What did I do?" Vincent inquired calmly.

"If you hadn’t left the shower running and run up the water bill so high," Rufus bristled. "I wouldn’t be here right now! I’d be back in my air-conditioned office putting my feet on the desk, sipping a cup of cappuccino and telling my subordinate, Reeve, what to do."

"I thought Reeve was the president of Shinra…" Cloud wondered aloud.

"He is," Elena answered. "But Rufus rightfully owns Neo-Shinra Company, and his position is higher than Reeve’s."

"And since this is your fault…" Rufus went on. "I HOPE YOU FIND A F#@^&% WAY OUT OF HERE!!!" He let out a derisive snort and stomped off to the coffin room.

"I didn’t know pretty boy Shinra could swear," Cid murmured suddenly.

Vincent turned to him. "You were awake the whole time?"

"Yeah," Cid replied, grinning wryly. "Just didn’t want to show it."

"Damn, it’s getting hot."

"Tell me about it, Cid. I’ve been here since last night. At least in the evening, it’s cooler."

"Compared to my air-conditioned office, this place is the Sahara."

"Have you really been to the Sahara, Rufus?"

"Cloud…"

"Vincent, did you stash away some food down here? Cos I’m damn starving."

Vincent shook his head sadly at Elena, and then turned to Rufus. "As I recalled, you said something like a five million gil water bill."

Rufus gritted his teeth, unpleasantly reminded of the matter.

"Why is the water so expensive?" Vincent inquired.

"You see, my dear friend," Rufus answered. "Wutai Water Company has declared a rise in the cost of clean water. It’s currently at a thousand gil per gallon, and now, I have to pay the price of your f$#%& carelessness!"

Vincent was unfazed, though, because he was thinking of something else. "You still didn’t answer my question."

"Well, Wutai Water Company has announced that the water is completely mako-free and 100% safe from any kind of bacteria, making it potable at the same time. But all these purifying processes cost a lot, so they’re skyrocketing the prices, too. Any more questions, Mr. Valentine?"

Vincent thought for a while, and then said, "One more. How come you’re alive? I thought you died at the mercy of Diamond Weapon."

Reno burst out laughing from the other side of the room.

"Don’t you dare, Reno…" Rufus warned through gritted teeth.

"He fell down the stairs before the missile hit the office," Reno blurted out, ignoring Rufus’ threat. "He had stepped backward in fear when he saw the missile, and it just so happened that the stairs were right behind him. Isn’t it coincidental?!"

"He broke most of his bones, though," Elena added. "But they were repairable."

"Ha ha, that’s funny," Cloud remarked. "He escaped alive because he fell down the stairs."

Rufus merely seethed in silence.

Noticing that his g-string was slipping off again, Vincent stood up and adjusted it.

Rufus watched him with contempt. "Pathetic…" he sneered as he shrugged off his white trenchcoat, revealing a sinewy, lithe torso in a tight black sleeveless turtleneck sweater. He then tossed the overcoat to Vincent.

"Uh…thanks, Rufus," Vincent said.

"I didn’t give it to you so you can cover that repulsive body of yours," Rufus corrected in a clipped tone. "I wanted to take it off anyway, because it’s hot, and since you were so pitifully inconvenienced by your unfortunate mishap while you were in the tub, I decided to lend it to you, poor helpless soul that you are."

"I disagree, Rufus," Elena piped up. "I don’t think Vincent has that hideous a body."

"Whatever, Elena. I always knew you were a good judge of naked men, having seen so numerous in your lifetime."

Elena made a face at the haughty executive.

"Hey, Rufus, nice idea," Reno declared as he stood up and began to unbutton his trousers.

Elena’s eyes widened. "Don’t tell me you want me to judge your body!"

"Hell no!" Reno answered, taking off his pants. "I meant that his idea of taking off his clothes because it’s so hot is a nice one. Here ya go, Vince."

Vincent caught Reno’s dark blue pants. "Uh…thanks," he said, unsure of how to reply.

"Briefs!" Cid burst out as he caught sight of Reno. "You sissy boy! Real men wear boxers!"

"In case you don’t know," Rufus interrupted. "I designed those underwear. I guess this means we won’t be friends."

Cid chuckled even more. "Ha! Only a sissy would wear a fag’s panties."

Rufus’ face practically cracked, his pride bleeding. He got up from where he was and gripped Cid’s throat tightly, cutting off the pilot’s air supply. "For your information, you f%$#& mudmouthed bastard…" he seethed, glaring at Cid. "I…AM NOT…A FAG!!!" He strangled Cid even harder.

Everyone jumped to their feet and struggled to pry Rufus off the bluish pilot. Fortunately, they managed to do so before Cid fell unconscious.

"Can everyone please stop fighting?" Cloud pleaded.

"Tell that walking sewage system to keep his lid on," Rufus denigrated.

Cid shot him a lethal glare.

"Vincent Valentine? Are you present in the vicinity?"

The courteous masculine voice managed to call an armistice over the bickering duo as everyone glanced up hopefully.

"Vincent?"

"We’re down here!!!" Vincent called as everyone trooped out of the coffin room.

The person had a strange gait as he headed towards the hole, and it took a few seconds for everyone to realize that the canine head gazing down at them wasn’t human at all.

"Goodness! How diametrically superior this chasm is!" Red XIII declared.

"He means this hole is huge," Vincent murmured to Reno.

"Duh! I’m not stupid!" Reno insisted.

Cloud waved a hand at Red XIII. "Hiya, Nanaki! Whatcha here for?"

"Well, I dropped by because Vincent informed me that he had some amanita muscaria lying around."

"Say #@@^& what?" Cid interjected.

"Fly agaric," Vincent answered. "It’s a kind of mushroom that kills flies. Chop it into pieces and put it into milk, and you get an effectively lethal fly repellant."

"Yes, what Vincent said," Red XIII told them. "My room in Cosmo Canyon has been plagued by flies for so long that I fear my tail might unhinge from swishing them away. So, Vincent my friend, tell me where I may acquire the mushrooms so I can be on my way and bother you no more."

"Whoa, Nanaki," Cid exclaimed. "Aren’t you gonna @!#%$^ rescue us?"

"With my inhuman paws? I cannot very well grip a rope with it, but I believe that it would be most effective if I rush to Cosmo Canyon and inform the Elder of this. Perhaps he can call a council meeting and discuss the most efficient means of-"

"Now, I ain’t got no time for that namby-pamby $#!^!" Cid interrupted angrily. "I just want to get out of here before I @#%^# starve to death!!!"

"In the name of Rufus J. Shinra, multi-gillionaire owner of Neo-Shinra Electric Power Company, I demand that you cease this nonsense at once and rescue us!"

Vincent’s eyes widened, sensing impending misfortune. "Don’t do that, Nanaki!" he cried, rushing forward.

"Don’t you @#@^&$ do that, you @#^*^% son of a ^*&(&$!!!"

Everyone halted in their tracks and stared in bewilderment at the hot-tempered, caffeine-deprived, nicotine-devoid pilot who would dare insult a comrade in the vilest manner.

Unfortunately, Red XIII was paying them no heed as he reached for that precious patch of mushroom, and in doing so, slipped his footing and tumbled down the opening, landing in Vincent’s arms.

"You have my resolute gratitude, Vincent Valentine," Red XIII gasped with relief.

This time, no one bothered to sigh with disappointment, since rescuers falling down the hole was becoming mundane.

"It seems that we are incarcerated in this location for quite some time," Red XIII remarked. "Have you exhausted all means of escape?"

The look they all gave him could have withered a tree.

"I see…" Nanaki said. "Then show me your temporary living quarters so I may rest from running all the way from Cosmo Canyon."

As soon as they entered the coffin room, Red XIII’s eyes widened with excitement. "How fortunate we are! There’s hundreds of russula vesca thriving here!"

Everyone looked at him strangely, apparently wondering why it would be so fortunate for them.

"Don’t you understand?" Red XIII said elatedly, bounding towards the walls. "These are black mushrooms! They’re edible! Now we won’t have to starve to death!"

Everyone else was torn between the urges to throttle Nanaki and to swipe the mushrooms from the walls and eat them raw. They chose to do the latter, though.

They all fanned out to different directions of the walls, gathering the mushrooms and wolfing them down hungrily. All was fine until a couple of minutes later.

"CLOUD! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU EATING???!!!"

All eyes turned to Cloud, who was in the process of shoving more mushrooms in his mouth. "What?" he asked, several pieces of mushroom falling from his stuffed jaws.

Nanaki stared at him in horror. "Those aren’t russula vesca! Those are dull brown, not black with white stands!"

Cloud swallowed everything in his mouth before asking, "So?"

Red XIII looked as if he was proclaiming a death sentence, which he really was. "Those are amanita phalloides! Deathcaps! One of the most poisonous mushrooms ever to grow on the Planet! They’re lethal! They can kill a human in moments!"

The walls of the room rang with Nanaki’s words.

After several minutes of waiting (waiting for Cloud to keel over dead, probably), Rufus piped up, "He’s still standing."

"Obviously, those $#!&*%& mako treatments made this kid invincible," Cid added.

Cloud apparently agreed with Cid, for he shrugged and resumed eating those dreaded deathcaps. Everyone made it a point, though, to skitter away from Cloud’s location.

Later that afternoon, they lounged around the coffin room sated from the mushroom broth they had cooked earlier with Nanaki’s tail flame.

In contrast to Reno’s earlier statement about being cool at night, the temperature seemed to rise with the approaching evening, and soon, everyone started to discard miscellaneous pieces of clothing.

"I swear this night is strangely warm," Reno, who was wearing nothing save for his briefs, declared. "The gods must be making fun of us. Hell, they must be laughing at us!"

Cid, clad only in his manly boxers, was too busy cursing the aforementioned gods as to why Nibelheim had to be near the equator and not farther away, like in Rocket Town.

"Hmph! They must be taking revenge against us for constantly abusing our summoning privileges," Rufus added. He apparently was too haughty for his own good, since he was still dressed in his sweater and slacks.

"I don’t think it’s the gods who are toying with us," Nanaki, who had no clothes to begin with, argued. "I believe that this is due to Murphy’s Law. If anything can go wrong, it will."

"You mean if this whole mansion can collapse all of a sudden, it will?" Cloud, bare-chested, asked.

"Please don’t say that out loud, Cloud. It might happen," Vincent murmured. In contrast to the other men, he was all the more clothed. He was now donned in Cloud’s sleeveless sweater, Rufus’ trenchcoat, Reno’s pants and loafers. He even had Cid’s ascot tied around his forehead like a bandana. It was apparent that he direly missed his usual multi-layered getup.

Elena, meanwhile, was sitting by herself in the other side of the room, uncomfortable in the presence of so many scantily clad guys. True, she had worked with lots of men in Shinra before, but not when they were loose and informal like these ones were.

Also, she was sweating, and she truly wished she could get rid of this long-sleeved dress shirt and these thick dark blue slacks. She had even went as far as unbuttoning the top part of her shirt and rolling the sleeves up to the shoulders, but it was still soooooo hot…

"So, Elena…what do you think?"

Elena blinked at Reno, who seemed to be addressing her. "Huh? What?"

"You were the only person who didn’t violently oppose my group nude painting proposition," he grinned. "Are you up for it?"

"Hell no!" she declared.

"Darn…"

"I’m going to take a bath," Elena suddenly announced, getting up from where she was sitting.

Reno blinked in astonishment at her. "Right now?"

"Why not? There’s a shower just outside," Elena said, strolling towards the door.

"But the monsters…and the YinYangs," Reno stammered.

"Why, Reno. I didn’t know you were so worried about me."

Reno blushed. "It’s not that…It’s just that someone has to protect you from them…Someone like me."

Elena leaned closer to him, placing a hand on his cheek. "Oh really, Reno…" she whispered coyly. "Would you really do that for me?"

"Uh-huh…"

"Or are you just making some excuse so you can see me naked?!" Elena suddenly raised her voice. "PERVERT!" She slapped Reno across the cheeks and stormed out of the room.

"Does she do that to you often?" Cloud asked.

Reno flushed with humiliation. "No!" From across the room, he heard a soft chuckle. "What?!" he demanded, glaring at Vincent.

"Nothing," Vincent replied. "For a moment, I thought that you wanted to paint her too…"

Still seething, Elena stripped off her clothes and stepped into the shower, gun in hand for precautionary measures. She hoped that none of the boys would have the nerve to exit the room. So what if she cared about her personal hygiene? Let those heathen swine rot in their stench and filth.

As Elena closed her eyes and relished the cool water splashing against her, she thought about Tseng. For once in her life, she had considered suicide after she had heard about his death. Why bother spending the rest of your life in loneliness, she had thought, when you can be with him for all eternity?

But as she had learned in her Turks’ training, suicide is the ultimate surrender. For to yield to death was the worst failure of all, and it would be utterly damning on your soul.

Instead, she had carried on with her job donning her Turk mask, as if nothing had happened. Except something had happened. She had just lost a part of her soul.

Even her succeeding lovers were unable to fill the void in her heart. There would never be another Tseng, not in her lifetime. So why go on with her aimless wandering?

"Gawd, Vincent! Don’t you ever clean up this place?!"

The whiny feminine voice slashed through her thoughts like a katana blade. Elena glanced up, tensing. Did she really hear that voice or was she imagining it?

"Yo, Vincent! Ya here?"

A rescuer! Elena thought excitedly as she turned to fetch her clothing.

At that moment, the coffin door burst open, and all the guys stampeded out, then screeched to a halt at the sight of her. A simultaneous eep, and all the heads whipped to another direction, except for Reno’s, which lingered for a while before Vincent forced it the other way.

Grateful at having been spared her chastity and pride, Elena hastily dressed and called out, "We’re down here!"

There was a rhythmic skipping up above them, and a ninja girl’s head popped out. "Oi! What are you all doing down there?!"

A simultaneous groan emanated from the guys.

Elena couldn’t see why Yuffie was that unappealing to them, but at least there was another female for a companion. "Uh…we’re trapped. Could you help us out?"

Yuffie cocked her head and thought for a while. "Why should I?"

That single sentence instantly made Elena dislike her.

"Cut the crap, Yuffie, and get us the @#^& out of here!" Cid demanded.

"Cid!" Yuffie squealed happily. "I knew you were here in Nibelheim. I saw the Highwind parked outside. So…how about if I go and steal it?"

"Don’t you f@#$&*% dare, Kisaragi!!!" Cid threatened, his Venus Gospel waved at her.

"What would you do to me if I did, Highwind?" Yuffie countered teasingly. "Curse me to death?" She razzed at the enraged pilot, who looked like he was about to detonate. "And besides, why are you barely dressed? You know you’re a beerbellied flabby old man compared to Reno and Cloud." She eyed both youths appreciatively.

"I’M NOT F%$@^&* OLD!!!" Cid exploded. "I’M ONLY THIRTY-TWO!!!"

"Yeah, whatever, Captain," Yuffie drawled. "Now hand me some materia, and I might think of getting you all out."

"But, Yuffie," Nanaki put in. "As I recall, we all gave our materia to you."

"Materia is already declared illegal in our part of the continent," Rufus said matter-of-factly.

"I have some materia!" Cloud volunteered.

All eyes turned to him. "You do?!" came the unanimous query.

"Yup!" Cloud beamed, fiddling with his bangle and sword. "Here’s an Underwater materia, an HP=MP materia, a Speed Plus materia, a Steal materia, a Mime materia…"

"Cloud…" Vincent interrupted. "Why do you have Mime materia equipped? You’re the only character in your party."

"I dunno," Cloud shrugged. "I just liked the yellow color, cause it matches my hair. Oh, here’s an All materia, too."

"What’s it paired with?" Elena asked excitedly.

"Huh?" Cloud gazed blankly at her. "Nothing. It’s just by itself."

There was a concurrent slapping of foreheads.

"There you have it," Yuffie said. "Seems that you’ll be staying here for a couple more days…"

"Wait a $#!#^& minute!" Cid protested vehemently. "You asked for materia. We’ve got it!"

"Only the useless ones that our ‘Great Leader’ managed to put on this morning," Yuffie mocked.

"You can take the Steal materia! Or the Speed Plus!" Reno shouted.

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Like, I don’t have enough Steal materias? Give me a break, I’m much faster than Cloud. I don’t need no crappy Speed Plus. So I guess that’s, like, it. I’m getting out of this hellhole." She stood up and started to leave.

"Wait," Vincent’s calm, level voice stopped her in her tracks.

Yuffie returned to her position. "What, Vinny? Got something for me?"

"I have…" Vincent seemed quite hesitant to continue, but considering the desperate situation before him, he doubted if anyone could even rescue them before they rotted down here. "I have a mastered Knights of the Round."

Yuffie’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "You do??? Where? Where?"

"I won’t tell you until you get us all out," Vincent compromised.

"Hmph! How would I know you’re gonna give it to me?" Yuffie asked.

"And how the #@$^ would we know you’re gonna get us out if we did?" Cid added angrily.

"You can take my word for it, Yuffie," Vincent said in a serious, meaningful tone. "To cheat you would be another damning sin. You can trust me."

Yuffie thought for a while. "All right, all right," she announced, fetching a thick, long rope from her pack. "But you better have it ready for me once you’re all up here!"

There were various reactions among the group. Vincent smiled slightly; Elena started hugging everyone; Reno hugged and kissed everyone; Rufus said nothing; Cloud re-equipped all his materia; Nanaki stooped to chasing his tail in delight; and Cid began twirling his spear around, causing everyone to drop to the ground.

"Where’s Rufus?" Reeve inquired his secretary the moment he arrived at his office from a business appointment in Junon. "I noticed that he didn’t come stomping in, demanding me to tell him the results of the proposal."

"He left the building at one o’clock in the afternoon and hasn’t returned since," the secretary answered. "Seemed that he was in one of his fits. I almost pressed the Code 22 Security Button." She smiled.

Reeve grinned too. The Code 22 Security Button was depressed only when Rufus Shinra exploded in one of his renowned temper tantrums. When it was, all the employees were advised to evacuate the Shinra building; otherwise, they would feel the wrath of Rufus’ "limit break".

"Why didn’t you?" Reeve asked curiously.

"Well, it turns out the object of his vehemence wasn’t in the building. And that was when he departed, leaving us all relieved that we wouldn’t have to abandon our work that afternoon."

"What sparked it?" Reeve queried.

"I’m not sure. But I was unfortunate enough to pass by his office at that moment. It seems that he was reading the company’s mail. I think he left the offending letter on his desk."

Reeve thanked his secretary and left for Rufus’ office, wondering what sent his young boss flaring up. But at least Rufus didn’t break down the door or render someone unconscious this time. It would be miraculous if Rufus didn’t do any damage.

The young Shinra’s office was, as usual, immaculately clean and white. Which was quite strange, because Reeve had expected it to be ravaged by a hurricane. It seemed normal.

Except for the large rent on the surface of the desk. Reeve shook his head sadly as he gazed wistfully at it. Such a waste of beautiful polished oak…only to have it ruined by Rufus Shinra. Reeve will have to call an antique restorer the next day.

A crumpled piece of paper lay between the piles of letters at either side of the desk. Reeve figured this must have been the letter the secretary was referring to. He casually picked it up and scanned the contents.

"Blah, blah, blah…" Reeve murmured to himself. "…Your water bill for the month of July is…FIVE MILLION GIL???!!! What kind of bill is THAT?! This is absurd! Where is this?!" He spotted the location on the paper. "Nibelheim Mansion?! But no one lives there now…So this is why Rufus stormed out of the building. Hmm…maybe I should investigate this too," Reeve decided as he headed for the rooftop. "I might meet up with Rufus there. I wonder what he’s doing right now…"

"Rufus! Move it! We can’t wait for you all day!"

"Shut up, Reno. It’s not my fault that I haven’t had my share of rope climbing."

"Um…do you think I should climb with my sword and armor and accessories and boots and…"

"Cloud, why don’t you just %$@&*# shut up and stay down there? You can #@$&%$ climb up after we’ve all reached the top!"

"Cid is right, Cloud. If you attempted to climb up while the rest of them are suspended up there, there’s a possibility that you might debilitate and snap the rope with the weight of all your paraphernalia. And remember Murphy’s Law: If it can happen, it will."

"You know, it’s kinda weird listening to an esteemed intellectual such as Red XIII believe in an inaccurate, hypothetical law such as Murphy’s Law."

Vincent was inclined to agreeing with Elena. However, suspended in mid-air with a piece of rope as their lifeline, he concluded that it was not the right time to think about Murphy’s Law.

They inched their way up the path to freedom. Vincent, on Yuffie’s insistence, led the group, followed by Elena, Rufus, Reno and Cid. Cloud and Nanaki, who suggested that he be hoisted up with the rope afterwards, remained in the basement, observing their agonizing progress.

"Will you guys hurry up?!" Yuffie urged from the upper floor. "I still have to go to Junon. There’s a bargain sale at this materia shop, and I wouldn’t want to miss that! So get moving! Or else I’ll cut this rope from the drainage pipe!"

Vincent frowned as he yanked himself upward. Try climbing with one hand, Kisaragi, he thought as he kept his metal claw away from the rope, knowing that if he gripped with it, it might cut the rope.

"You know what?" he said, breaking the tense silence. "I just remembered…I had some rope and grappling hooks stored in the back of the library…I just forgot about it until now…"

"VINCENT!!!"

The house was deathly silent, as was to be expected of abandoned mansions.

Reeve glanced about him as hurriedly and as thoroughly as he could, and then wiped his perspiring forehead with his handkerchief. "Sir Rufus?" he called out tentatively, his creaking footsteps echoing throughout the morbid house. "Are you in here?"

He cautiously walked forward, his knees buckling so violently that he was in danger of falling. But he couldn’t help it. Scary, abandoned mansions had always been the executive’s greatest phobia.

As he scanned the house for any signs of life, he suddenly sensed a cold draft…and an eerie, ominous presence. He turned around, then sighed with relief upon seeing that the door had not magically slammed shut behind him.

His relief was short-lived, however, for the moment he turned around, a leery, hideous, rotting figure materialized right in front of him, a manic grin on its face.

And that was enough to send Reeve screaming madly out the house and slamming the door violently behind him.

"Did you hear that?" Vincent asked out loud, halting in his climbing.

Elena glanced upward. They were still a good ten meters away from the top. "Which one? The hysterical screaming or the crashing door slam?"

"No," Vincent said softly, tense and alert. "That low rumbling…"

Everyone stopped to listen for a while, until the silence was shattered by a panic-stricken Yuffie.

"THE HOUSE IS FALLING DOWN!!!"

As she yelled that ill-omened statement, the rumbling crescendoed to a deafening, reverberating din as beams and pillars began to collapse around the hole.

"GET DOWN!" Vincent yelled above the uproar.

"Down???!!!" Everyone protested vehemently.

"DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! NOW MOVE BEFORE WE GET CRUSHED!!!"

Everyone else slid down the rope while Yuffie turned to the exit. "OH MY GAWD! The front door is blocked!!!"

"Yuffie!" Vincent called loudly. "Jump down!"

"But I- AAAAGGGHHH!!!" Her sentence was cut off as a heavy piece of timber landed on her and knocked her into the hole. Fortunately, Cloud managed to catch her and carry her off to safety.

Meanwhile, the entire house started to collapse inward. Vincent scurried down the rope just as falling debris chopped the rope off from where it was tied. He landed hard on his bottom, and then rolled off to the side just in time to avoid being crushed by falling lumber.

The group huddled just outside the coffin room, watching incredulously with unbelieving eyes as disintegrated fragments of the house piled up in the opening.

A few moments later, the last faint traces of light vanished, and they all found themselves in the dark, save for Nanaki’s glowing tail flame…

Reeve stared in disbelief at the mountain of rubble before him. Did the mansion collapse when he slammed the door? No, it couldn’t have. But if so, where was the house? And what was that heap of wreckage doing in its place? He rubbed his eyes vigorously, willing himself to wake up from this dubious nightmare. The overdose of caffeine must be getting to him already.

But no, he was not hallucinating. The renowned antique mansion of Nibelheim has surrendered to the harsh persecution of Time. The venerated edifice was no more…

A fleeting thought entered Reeve’s mind. Rufus Shinra?! What had happened to him?! What if…Reeve shook his head, dreading to imagine the worst. Yet, it nagged him inside, forcing him to accept the possible reality. What if he was inside when the house collapsed…?

Smoldering with desperation, remorse, grief and determination, Reeve hopped onto the debris, digging into the scrap with his own hands and calling out Rufus’ name like a mantra.

A gentle hissing sound caught Reeve’s attention. He glanced up and saw the bathroom shower, still intact with pipes and all, spraying water at full blast. His mind wandered back to the water invoice.

So that’s why the bill was so high…Reeve realized, shaking his head. I guess I should turn the shower off before the tab gets any higher.

Reeve advanced towards it and, using the pile of debris as a stepladder, reached up to switch it off. The spray slowed down to a trickle, then ceased entirely.

He turned around and took a step, and the next thing he knew, he found himself sucked into a sinkhole in the wreckage…

All eyes turned to the shrieking figure that plummeted down from the ceiling, flailing its appendages around. It landed with a loud oof on a stray mattress, then rolled awkwardly onto the floor in front of them, coughing and gasping for breath.

"Hey, it’s Reeve," Elena declared.

"Reeve?" Cloud gazed at them. "You know this guy?"

Reno clonked him on the head. "Duh! Don’t tell me you don’t know Reeve!"

Cloud rubbed his head, and then retaliated clonk for clonk. "Of course I know who Reeve is…He’s the president of Neo-Shinra. But I don’t know him personally."

"He’s the @#!&*^$ operator of Cait Sith!" Cid yelled. "Can’t you get it in your #@$&^* spiky head?!"

"Oh…" Cloud turned to the executive. "Hiya, Reeve!"

"You followed me?!" Rufus interjected. "I can’t believe-"

"Oi, Reeve," Reno said. "You got some mud on your sleeve."

Cloud blinked with realization. "Hey! We’re rhyming! Cool! This is fun! Um, how about…Hey, Reeve. Are ya gonna leave?"

Reno stared at Cloud. "Not a bad idea. Let me try…Yo, Reeve. Have you been to Kiev?" Both he and Cloud doubled up in laughter.

Nanaki rolled his eyes. "Sir Reeve, those rubble could you heave?" The trio chuckled some more.

"Come on, guys," Yuffie scolded. "This isn’t funny. Hello, like, we’re trapped here without any hope of escape. No food, no water, no nothing!"

"There’s still some mushrooms left," Cloud spoke up.

"WHAT?!" Reeve interjected, his jaw dropped. "You mean…we’re stuck down here?!" He knelt down and gazed up into the air. "Oh my Odin, if this is the punishment for whatever my crimes I have committed…I want a reprieve!"

Simultaneous bursting out in laughter from the rhyming trio.

"Could you just #$!^*& SHUT UP???!!!" Cid yelled.

"Don’t worry, cat-man!" Reno consoled, patting Reeve on the back. "We won’t mind if you stay. After all…the more, the merrier, like I always say!"

"RENO!!!"

Vincent, glancing up from his brooding to study the enclosed ceiling, stated after several moments of silence…

"I guess the grappling hooks won’t be much use now…"

AUTHOR’S NOTES: Whaddaya think? This fic kinda started out as a what-if between FalconIce and me. You know, it took me so long to patch up all the gaping plotholes in the story just so there was no possible way of escaping from the basement (Mwahahaha…ain’t I evil?) But if ever there is a flaw in my story, then by the Powers of the Fanfic Author, I deem it utterly impossible for them to get out of there. Also, I’m sorry if anyone objects to my resurrection of Rufus. I just couldn’t help it. His character is so unique and fun to write about. Yes, I know, the reason why he survived was lame, but hey, it could happen!

By the way, I actually researched about the mushrooms I have mentioned.

Uh…and if you want a sequel, don’t hesitate to mail me, because NO ONE ever does! *sniff* No one appreciates me…*sulks in corner*

Kasa no Miko: shards_of_dewprism@yahoo.com

Shards of Dewprism: www.geocities.com/shards_of_dewprism

FalconIce: falcon_ice@chichiri.zzn.com

Forbidden Shrine: www.geocities.com/twilight_wings