Beautiful Angel
Hikaru no Go - Sai fanfiction
In English & en français
Rated: G
Warning: Shounen-ai
Fanfic by: Angie, october 2002
e-mail: laekh@voila.fr - angie@traumen.com
Homepage: http://www.shinmore.com
HnG © Hotta Yumi, Obata Takeshi, Studio Pierrot
No money made out of this, just for fun. Please
don’t sue, thanks! ^_^;;
First of all, please bear with me if my English is sometimes awkward; it’s not my mother tongue. ^_^;
Beautiful Angel
My only love is Go
His beautiful amethyst eyes widened in surprise
for an instant, and his cheeks shyly turned an adorable hue of red. He
hesitated a moment, avoiding looking me in the eye, then he cautiously
retreated a step from me and put a calmer attitude back on.
“Sensei, although your…”
He marked a brief instant to think for his
words before continuing: “…your interest in me is extremely flattering, I am
obliged to decline your… proposal.”
He smiled to me. But it was only a polite,
reserved, somewhat embarrassed smile.
“I… would be very grateful if you would never
talk of this… matter to me anymore. I wish you good night…”
In a fluttering of satin, he intended to go
away but I grabbed him by the arm. He grimaced lightly. I couldn’t make out if
it was a painful, silent wince because of my strong hold on his delicate arm,
or if it was a disgusted grimace caused by my sheer presence… and this
uncertainty was unbearable to me.
In my haste to grab his arm, my face had come
closer to his, so close actually that I could now smell the soft powdered scent
of his alabaster face, that seemed pearly under the pale moonlight. A cloud
passed over this nightly shadow of the sun, hiding it for a second, a second of
total silence except for our rasp breathing. A soft wind rose, but the
intoxicating perfume of cherry blossoms that it brought to me was not the least
comparable to the addictive powdery scent I had come to associate with this
young man. The pearly glint of the moon was pale compared to the immaculate
marble of his skin. Marble, indeed… to me, he was as cold, reserved,
unreachable as a marvellous statue of marble…
“Sai…”
I just whispered his name, my shaking voice
telling about my desire. Both my hands closed on his shoulders, hoping to keep
him close to me forever. He started and took a step backward, then a second
one, then another, and another one. But following each one of his retreating
steps, I took a step forward in order to keep the intimate promiscuity between
us. Finally, he ended up with his back against the closed door that led to the
interior of the palace.
The amethysts of his eyes seemed to shudder
from fear, while his lips painted a tempting hint of pink begged me to release
him.
“Please Sensei! He said in an anguished tone
that he was trying to hide under a feeble smile. Let me go… I… I don’t want
to!”
“Am I that ugly, for you to be afraid of
me ?!” I shouted “For you to flee from me like that?!”
Then Jealousy that was burning in my veins made
me harshly add: “Or is it because your heart already belongs to someone else?
Someone of a higher rank than I, surely… Maybe the Emperor himself?!”
He started, shocked. Then denied it almost
immediately, his voice strangled with indignation: “You are wrong! I don’t feel
that way toward the Emperor, my respect for him is due to his rank, my
reverence to him is all… all in innocence! … What’s more, my only love here is
Go!”
Was his loud protest the sign of a revolted
victim of defamation, or was it in contrary the proof that I had guessed his
true feelings right? I never knew the answer, for at that moment, one of the
imperial concubines happened to pass through the garden, her wooden heels
tapping on the stones of the path like a child’s laughter in summer.
Abruptly, I let go of Sai before the woman
could see us in so compromising a situation. On her way, she greeted us but
dedicated her smile to Sai and him alone. Then she continued toward her private
rooms to which one could access through the door before which Sai was standing
at that precise moment.
Grabbing this opportunity, he greeted her
quickly and asked about her Go. She stopped, her hand still on the door she had
just opened, then she pouted. “Sai-sensei, I’m afraid I haven’t improved in
the least, in spite of all your advice!” she said.
“Oh, but still I’m sure that with some
training…”
Thus they chatted and left. They got back into
the palace, closed the panel door and left me behind on my own. Holding back a
sigh of frustration, I lifted my eyes toward the full moon. Suddenly, I thought
it looked like a giant white stone standing on the goban of the universe. Then
I started to mentally curse the moon.
A few days later, drawn by the jealousy that
was eating me alive, I cleverly told the Emperor that it was useless for him to
keep two Go instructors. Then I advised him to organise a match between his two
instructors in order to determine which one was the best. “Only the best are
worthy enough to stay and serve you, your Majesty.” I added with a smile of
flattery that convinced him to do as I had told. So a match was organised upon
his order, between the two imperial Go teachers, namely Sai and me.
All dressed up in white like he used to, Sai
arrived with the witnesses to our match.
“Please”, he said bending his head.
“Please”, I answered, giving the signal for the
match to begin.
I put my first stone on the board and Sai
almost immediately answered to it by putting one of his, as immaculate as his
clothes and as cold as his attitude toward me. Our game lasted long, none of us
could actually get the advantage over the other.
Since our last encounter in the garden a few
nights ago, it was the first time that we were face to face. Still, Sai wasn’t
nervous; he had been as superb as a placid idol of stone when not so long ago
he had kneeled before the board in front of me. My lust for him turned into hot
rage when I saw that: our conversation on that night didn’t mean anything to
him, it was so insignificant to him that Sai didn’t even worry about it, he had
already forgotten about it. While for months now he was all I could think about
night and day, he didn’t even bothered remembering that I opened my heart to
him on that night and that he just waved my gift of love away, like one would
with a boring insect, and ran away with the lame excuse of a conversation about
Go with a concubine of the Emperor!
I was so resentful toward Sai at that moment.
That surely was what caused me to not speak up and tell that one of his stones
had by chance been mixed with mine in my basket. Instead, I waited for the
right moment and transferred it to the pile of stones I had captured from Sai
during the game. No one saw my manipulation, except Sai himself. He was about
to call me out as a cheater but I cried out first: “Hey, you have just added a
black stone from your basket to the ones you have captured! I saw you, you
tried to cheat!!”
Of course, Sai protested saying I was the one
who did it, but the Emperor, horrified by the idea that one of his instructors
could have cheated, ended the argument and ordered us to continue the game. We
obeyed.
At last, Sai didn’t show me this placid
indifference that I so much hated! His mind was more than disturbed by the
events, my blaming him of cheating had at last shaken his soul where my love
had not been able to even scratch it…
Finally, after the game ended and the stones
were counted, Sai lost by short. Pointed out as a cheater as well, he was
immediately driven out of the imperial court. At that moment, my victory smile
was mixed with the bitterness of not ever seeing Sai anymore. But I was soothed
a little by the feeling of accomplished revenge against the one who had refused
my advances.
Two nights later, while I was alone and putting
the stones away after a game of Go with the Emperor, an owl as white as Sai’s
clothes were the last time I saw him, landed silently on the goban in front of
me. Turning its ghostly head to look at me with its black eyes, round and
shiny like Go stones, the night bird remained as silent. And soon after
looking one last melancholic time at the board, the owl flew away, rising up
graciously into the dark scenery of the night. It only left a white and black
feather behind, that danced in the air for a moment before landing like a
caress on the goban.
That was when I remembered that legend, which
said that if a white owl appears on the day someone dies, that person’s soul
would wander on Earth for a thousand years…
Strangely, my mind wandered with nostalgia
toward the memory of Sai.
Only the day after was I told that he
drowned himself on that night. Then I was torn between sorrow and relief: if I
had not been able to possess him, no one would ever have him either… my
beautiful white angel.
Author’s notes:
I know Sai’s eyes are not exactly violet, but
they do have a lovely purple hint to them; I love purple eyes! ^_^ This was a
short point of view fanfic about Sai on the Heian days, based on what is told
in the first volume of the manga. And the mention of the white owl is a
reference to the short manga “1000 year wanderer” included in the Hikago
“Gorgeous Characters Guide”.
For some time, I’ve had this twisted idea of
another possible view on Sai’s tragic end, here was the result. And I must
confess it’s a little disturbing…
Since, in the manga, Sai doesn’t name his
opponent when he relates this event to Hikaru, I just left the cheater unnamed
here, and made him the narrator of my fanfic… (Don’t you find him just horribly
frightening? I do. Ô_o Poor Sai…)
I hope you liked my fic, comments and
constructive criticism welcome. (I could use some tips on English for example,
so if you spot any error please let me know! ^_^)
Hum… yep, I almost forgot to stress this: the
one whose “only love is Go”, is of course Sai. And “sensei” is the equivalent
for professor/master in Japanese.
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